Leighton is in a magical little stage of life called "toddler" and I, her mother, am not sure how to actually "mother" a toddler. Every morning since Emersyn was born i have woken up telling myself I am going to show Leighton how much i love her today, I am going to hug her, hold her, play with her, dance with her, read to her, and tell her she is beautiful and special and good job, yay, and thank you. Then about two hours into the day and after the tenth time of pulling her off the counter, out of the toilet, off the tv stand, out of my make up or away from the dog food i snap. I turn into a stressed out smelly (because i haven't showered yet), tired (because i was up with Em all night), starving (because i havent ate yet) monster of a mom. Sometimes i make myself count to 5 before i pull her off the counter for the billionth time, several times i've tried spanking her (which i hate), and some days i just go stick her in her crib so i can have 5 minutes to breather and cool down before i scream at her. She is not even 2 yet. I hate feeling like this, I hate getting angry with her, I hate that as much as try to speak her language or mirror her actions or teach her that things aren't safe she does not understand. Now that my house is clean, and hopefully stays this way, most of my Christmas is up, except for the tree that Kaden hasn't got for me for the third year in a row, and I am finally finished with school and set to graduate I am going to try even harder. I want to promise to myself and to my darling handful of a daughter that from here on out I will take care of her and myself the way i should. Maybe if i'm fed and dressed and awake i will be more patient, and maybe if i am more patient Leighton will be more inclined to listen (heres to hoping). All i want to do is see my daughter be happy and grow and learn and I know that will only happen if i provide the environment for it to.
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