Tuesday, May 20, 2014

A Personal Struggle

Sometimes I struggle with knowing that being a mother is enough. I know it sounds silly and most of my posts are about my daughters and how much joy they bring me but I tend to try and post about the positive. I have always tried to post about my life though. As I get more followers and my life takes new turns I don't ever want to stray from that. So here is how I feel. Here is what my fears are lately. Here is what I struggle with. 

In February of 2013 I started an easy yet exciting new job where I learned, gained confidence and molded new dreams. I felt useful and appreciated. Just a couple months later I began planning a new life to follow this job. It was all that I thought about. All that I worked for. It truly consumed me. Every moment of it was exciting and again I felt useful and appreciated. This past march as most of you know we, (Kaden and I) decided this dream was not meant to be followed. For so many reasons that I constantly question. I feel like I gave up on something I worked so hard for. In the time of a 3 hour flight my life changed completely. I went from always being in school, always working, having a partner and always being a mother to only being a mother. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I not only gave up my dream, but my life. I felt unappreciated and like I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just never did do enough, maybe i just always expected too much?

In the beginning I came home thinking of all the wonderful time I can spend with my children, with my husband, all of the time I can spend working on my home and working on new dreams. Until this past week I have done nothing but fight an inner battle. Maybe I have ppd, maybe I am not good with change or maybe i just needed something to tell me what I do is the most important thing I will ever do. 
Basically on the surface I know that there is no greater calling than being a mother. But when I let my mind wander, I worry. Should I be working, should i be furthering my education, should i so many things that it is draining and disheartening. 

I probably should seek professional help for how i feel some days, but for now i am setting myself goals. Daily, weekly, even monthly obtainable goals. I need to see progress in my life. Last night i sat on the couch cuddled to my husband and watched my daughters play together. They rolled and laughed and Leighton gave Emersyn kisses and Emersyn touched Leightons face. In that moment i was reminded that what i do is enough. That it is the best thing i can be doing. What would i miss if i made myself do more? I am blessed and I know it. I just need to remember it every day and every time I let thoughts of doubt take over.  


  1. I feel for you, Laura. There is no right answer. Just the answer that is right for you and your family. And chosing one path now does not mean you can't take another one later. Your mom is a great example of that.

  2. For every thing there is a time and season. I know that when my kids are grown and gone I can pursue the things I have been holding onto for so many years, but right now they aren't right. That doesn't make it easy or fun some days, but it is still the right choice for what my kids need. It is always a struggle for me, but usually the right choice for my life has always been the harder choice :( keep your chin up!

  3. You're not the only one with this kind of personal struggle, I promise. Whenever I have an idle moment that cannot be filled with the conundrum of everyday life, thoughts and feelings like this seep into my mind as well. Yes, being a mother (a present mother, more specifically) is the most important calling, however, don't ever feel bad or guilty for not feeling 100% fulfilled with just staying at home and raising your children. Make time for you and do something that makes you happy. If that means a little job on the side, or making time for a hobby you enjoy, pursue it! Being a stay-at-home mother is definitely a roller coaster with multiple loops and plunges thrown in there, but if you don't make time for yourself, your family won't get the best version of you. But, if you do feel a kind of unshakable sadness that cannot be helped by things exercise or spending time with others, don't wait to talk to a professional (Sorry if that sounds too shrink-like!) And know that you're not alone. You're not an odd duck, many of us have days and seasons like this.

  4. I totally and completely agree with Annie. it is hard making choices like that. But, family is number one and worth more than anything else can provide. And will pay you back so much more in the long run. Your kids will be better an you will be happier. That is what I know from just quitting my Pilates Class, I loved helping others work out as well as myself and felt loved and appreciated but now I feel so much more fulfilled with my decision and know it was the best for me and my family!

  5. Laura!! It could be ppd... My hormones have been insane since I stopped nursing and I'm suffering from mild depression right now (although it doesn't feel so mild) and it is the WORST! It helps me to be around other people (so let's play a lot!) but it would be worth it to mention your feelings to Dr P if you don't get out of your funk. I think it's really common to have ppd and is an easy fix! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this :( :(