Realizing

So i am bailing on the summer favorites post again. I can't quite get into it since this end of summer month has gotten out of control. The next unplanned weekend i see in my future isn't until the end of September. It is exciting but a little depressing at the same time. So anyways here are some thoughts from tonight.

Earlier i was trying to work, Kaden was watching a movie and the girls were playing in the living room. Leighton got so crazy that at one point she was threatening to jump off the counter or maybe it  was jump on her sister? At any rate it was crazy and I got so angry that i had to stop working and fix the situation and put the girls to sleep (shouldn't Kaden be capable of this). I was so frustrated when i was getting Emersyn to bed i just sat there rocking and bouncing and thinking "come on go just to sleep now." Then the rocking and bouncing seemed to calm me, I pulled myself together and thought wow we are crazy blessed! I'm so lucky i have a job i can do from home and walk away from the computer to put my babies to sleep, i am so lucky to have a job at all. I am blessed that Kaden is able to be home with us every evening and afternoon. Recently so many things have changed for us that i forget to stop and realize how good they are. Kaden's work situation went from 50+ hours a week to 40. Sure we miss the pay, but our relationship and his relationship with the girls has been beautiful. Kaden has been a happier person, he is enjoying hobbies and he really is helping more around the house. I was able to take on more hours with hospice and have found the time to work them. I also co founded a new business with an amazing partner and our fist event is in 3 short weeks! (I'll post more details later) Honestly life is great. I get frustrated and then i count my blessings. We really do have so much to be thankful for.

Motivate Me Monday- Quit Robbing Yourself

Confession, I have a huge problem. I compare myself to almost everyone and everything. It is something that for what seems like most of my life i have struggled with. I honestly can remember comparing myself to kids in elementary school and getting so nervous because i couldn't run as fast as other kids or i thought there was no way i could hit the tether ball as hard as someone else. I don't know why i started this game, i wish i never had. I think that life would have been a lot easier this far if i wasn't always so worried about what other people had, or thought or what i didn't have or how i looked. This is something i have been trying to work on constantly and something that is really embarrassing to come out with, but i figure if i feel this way i can not be the only one. Since the day i decided i didn't need to keep up with the "Joneses" of the world I have found myself immensely more grateful for what i do have. It has given me perspective and helped me to be happy with where i am in life, what i can afford and what i can offer my family. It is frustrating to think of how long i went with feeling like i wasn't as good as another person or that my home wasn't as pretty as a bloggers that i follow or that my children didn't have as cute of clothes or nice of toys. I truly had been robbing myself of joy. I had been letting something that is unobtainable control me, and for what? Nothing good ever came from it or ever will. Over the weekend i found myself frustrated again with somethings and had to  step back and realize I am blessed, i am happy and i have enough. 

This week i challenge you to quit comparing. To be yourself. To find joy in all you have and know it is enough, and you are more than enough. 

Mommy Guilt- Feeling Over Touched

Do i feel mommy guilt? I have a toddler, need i say more? Oh and a 6 month old. That should pretty much sum it up. Mommy guilt i am sure is felt in different ways with every child and at every age. I honestly don't know if i ever felt it with Leighton until I found out i was pregnant again but i defenitly felt a form of it with Kaden after having Leighton, because of that, Emersyn is more of a miracle than you will ever know.

I have read several articles on mommy guilt just to make sure i am normal and so far i seem to be. I start to feel upset with myself when i wish i was working instead of at home, when i yell at Leighton instead of speaking with her calmly but firmly, anytime i have ever spanked her, and especially when i feel over touched. Sometimes i feel like this with Leighton and sometimes i feel like it with Kaden. It is a real thing, if you haven't ever felt this way then praise the Lord. Seriously. 

As a mom your body is no longer your own. I mean it is, but it is what you use to carry your baby, feed your baby, and put your baby to sleep with. It is your toddlers jungle gym and way of feeling loved. It is what you used to make your children in the first place, helps to keep your husband happy and your marriage strong. Not to mention its what you grew your children and used to give birth to them. Every thing you use your body for as a mom is so worth it and usually very intimate but can be overwhelming.

I had read about this problem before i ever had kids and knew right away i would be someone who had it. I am not a super touchy person anyways, i have a weird need to be loved through touch but only at certain times. I am not always a huge hugger and i am not one of those girls that ever held hands or linked arms with her sisters or girl friends. I do however need my husband to hold my hand, or kiss me when he gets home from work, or put his hand on my knee when we are sitting close. I have loved those things since we were dating. Now that i have children...sometimes anything more is wayyy too much. I feel like i am constantly holding Emersyn, nursing her or rocking her to sleep. If i'm not then Leighton is hanging on me begging to be held or carried around sometimes she even clings to my leg and won't let go. 

At least once a week i have a break down. I tell Leighton to go away, to go play, to watch a movie, do anything but hang on me. When i get to this point i have several things i do to make the situation better. I close my eyes, focus on breathing for a minute, then get on Leighton's level and help her find an activity she will enjoy until Kaden gets home (usually this happens at the end of the day). I love my daughter more than words can ever say, but sometimes i just need my body to myself. With Emersyn it is easier for me to just set her on the ground and watch from a distance. 

Now as for Kaden. When i feel this way and have had days where being touched is way too much for me to handle, then i need to warn him. Usually i tell him when he first gets home and asks about my day. If i say i nursed a hundred times and Leighton was all over me and i had to get her off, then he knows. In the beginning this was so much harder than it is now. Not wanting  to be touched caused a lot of fighting and hurt feelings. Lets face it men need intimacy in their lives, women do too but not always in the same way. When i feel over touched getting to the bedroom is the last thing on my mind. Kaden and I have figured out ways to deal with it though. We both love each other and want to show each other and the last thing either of us wants is for the other to feel like they aren't being loved and really you can not have a happy marriage with out touching each other. 

Now that we have came to terms with the fact that i have a real issue with this, we have figured out how to fix it. Sometimes Kaden gives me a break, he watches both of the girls and lets me take a bath, like a real one with out toys or childrem in it. I have time to wash my hair and even shave my legs and when i get out i have an empty bucket of touches to fill. I can put both girls to bed and let them hang all over me and not once feel a need to scream. This obviously works in Kaden's favor as well. And it is not that i get to take a proper bath, but more that i get some time to myself. To only care about me and not have anyone else needing something from me. I have found that going to the gym or on a run helps this problem a lot too. Again it is time to me, in my own space and I am not worrying about the girls. 

I have always felt guilty about this, and it has not been easy to try and figure out. It not only can affect my relationship with my girls but with my husband as well. It is one of those things that makes a lot of sense and that i am happy i know how to handle now, but that doesn't make it any easier or make me feel any less guilty over it.

To hear more about Mommy Guilt from other bloggers check out this weeks link up here.

A Personal Struggle

Sometimes I struggle with knowing that being a mother is enough. I know it sounds silly and most of my posts are about my daughters and how much joy they bring me but I tend to try and post about the positive. I have always tried to post about my life though. As I get more followers and my life takes new turns I don't ever want to stray from that. So here is how I feel. Here is what my fears are lately. Here is what I struggle with. 

In February of 2013 I started an easy yet exciting new job where I learned, gained confidence and molded new dreams. I felt useful and appreciated. Just a couple months later I began planning a new life to follow this job. It was all that I thought about. All that I worked for. It truly consumed me. Every moment of it was exciting and again I felt useful and appreciated. This past march as most of you know we, (Kaden and I) decided this dream was not meant to be followed. For so many reasons that I constantly question. I feel like I gave up on something I worked so hard for. In the time of a 3 hour flight my life changed completely. I went from always being in school, always working, having a partner and always being a mother to only being a mother. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I not only gave up my dream, but my life. I felt unappreciated and like I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just never did do enough, maybe i just always expected too much?

In the beginning I came home thinking of all the wonderful time I can spend with my children, with my husband, all of the time I can spend working on my home and working on new dreams. Until this past week I have done nothing but fight an inner battle. Maybe I have ppd, maybe I am not good with change or maybe i just needed something to tell me what I do is the most important thing I will ever do. 

Basically on the surface I know that there is no greater calling than being a mother. But when I let my mind wander, I worry. Should I be working, should i be furthering my education, should i so many things that it is draining and disheartening. 

I probably should seek professional help for how i feel some days, but for now i am setting myself goals. Daily, weekly, even monthly obtainable goals. I need to see progress in my life. Last night i sat on the couch cuddled to my husband and watched my daughters play together. They rolled and laughed and Leighton gave Emersyn kisses and Emersyn touched Leightons face. In that moment i was reminded that what i do is enough. That it is the best thing i can be doing. What would i miss if i made myself do more? I am blessed and I know it. I just need to remember it every day and every time I let thoughts of doubt take over.  

Confession- I Need Sugar

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It is 11:15 pm and i am sitting here eating what i think are Reese's cup cookies (my probably future sister in law brought them over) and drinking an apple beer. In about thirty minutes i will have no problem passing out for the rest of the night. Is this a problem? I tend to consume sugar like this all day long. If it isn't candy it is the most sugary thing i can find, I have even been known to resort to chocolate chips and don't judge me... a spoon full of brown sugar. Crazy right!? I honestly thought i was the only girl in the world this addicted to pure sugar until my new friend Jess (really a lost part of my own soul) said that she tends to turn to hidden chocolate chips from time to time as well. Is it because I have an almost 6 month old that is constantly sucking the energy out of me (literally). I don't know, but i need to get off this kick.

As fun as this may sound to constantly eat sweets, its not. I work out so unbelievably hard and my results are not coming fast enough. My skin is gross, I never seem to have the right kind of energy and I  know you want to hear about my mood swings. Lets just say i have considered the possibility of me being bipolar lately. Highs and lows like no ones business.

 Is there a sugar-addict-anonymous out there? If so, sign me up. Next week i am going to try to go sugar free, starting out small with only 5 days, partly because Jess is so i told her to count me in. Hopefully i can handle the with drawls. Until then, I am going to throw away every last peep in this house, that's a start right?

Mmmm Maybe i should eat some nutella pizza before next week.