At 8 Weeks- Posted 1 week after

Today I woke up. Leighton climbed in my bed and we said our prayers together. It felt so sweet and perfect. I felt so calm and the spirit so strong. I rolled over and texted Jess about the gym and then calmly asked Leighton a few times to go play with Emersyn until i got her out of her crib. I was thinking soon there will be three of them. It will be like this forever. I walked into the bathroom, slightly saw the toilet water thought wow i must have a UTI and i didn't even know. I need to drink way more water today. Then i wiped. Then i wiped again. Then it hit me. "I did not have a UTI. My tests came back positive though, I just had an ultrasound yesterday, and my blood levels were going up. Oh no, this is why Dr. Polson seemed hesitant. This is why i had the tests in the first place. I am losing my baby." No one but Kaden even knows i am pregnant. Am i sad? Can i handle this? We just got excited about the idea of another child. We have been looking at new cars. I bought a little boy outfit. Wait maybe I'm not miscarrying. Maybe something else is happening. I don't feel anything. Maybe i am just numb.

I made the girls breakfast, sat on the couch and the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I am sad. I really am. I wanted to have a baby. I was excited, i thought we were meant to. Another miracle, unplanned baby to bless our lives. Leighton started telling me to not be sad. She whipped my tears and told me stuff was coming out of my eyes. She was so sweet and so sincere. Emersyn came and gave me a hug and I was reminded how truly blessed i really am. Really. Leighton and Emersyn are more than i could ever ask for. I want to be happy, i want to feel like i understand, but i don't. All i know is that this is the Lord's plan and that is not always easy to hear.

All day I just wanted Kaden to come home and hold me. To tell me it will all be alright. That he loves me and that we will have another child when we are meant to. Kaden was sweet but we all handle things in our own way and he shuts himself away when anything bothers him.

Leighton laid down on the couch with me tonight and said "your happy now? no more sad face like this, and closed her eyes and made a crying face. you be happy like this and made her happy face." I love her happy face. I love her sweet spirit and i love her understanding of what it is i need right now.

I am sad. I am confused. I'm in a little bit of pain but mostly i am numb. I just want to cry and i just want the opportunity to have this baby in my belly. I made the mistake of looking at pictures of 8 week old babies. Yes, they look like tiny aliens, but i really want one. I really wish i had an ultrasound picture. I wish i had anything to hold on to that would make this pain in my heart feel more tangible. Like for a few short weeks i was really growing a baby. That when my hair starts falling out or my hormones are a little crazy that i have something to look at or hold onto and know there was a reason.

I write this not for pity, we didn't tell anyone i was pregnant and partly for this reason. I write this so our very very young soul can be remembered. So we are not the only two who know he existed. I write this because i want other moms or moms to be to know they are not alone in their pain. That it is hard. That losing a life no matter how old is not easy. No matter how common, miscarriages are still real and still sad and still painful. Creating a child is absolutely the biggest miracle ever and truly an act of God. Knowing that someday in another life this sweet baby of ours will be mine makes it a little easier but only a little. I am so thankful for the knowledge i have that one day my family will be together again. Lost babies included.