The Past Two Weeks

Sunday, April 5th 

This past week was filled with so many emotions it have been hard to actually realize what it is i have been feeling. Monday started out hopeful and exciting and i truly was so optimistic. When i was at the doctors with Leighton on Monday i couldnt have been more smiles. I was finally going to hear a heart beat, and see my baby on that screen. I just wanted to so badly tell Leighton there was a baby in my belly. I held it in though, even when doctor polson acted strange when i told him i knew i was 8 weeks i never thought anything was wrong. Tuesday i was numb. I cried, i was upset, i was confused, i was numb.

Wednesday. April 1st I texted Kaden to see how his morning was going. His reply… I got laid off. Although it was April fools, he wasn't kidding. I was almost relieved when Kaden got home. We are completely broke, like completely, but i have been so happy to have Kaden home with us. This may be one of the biggest trials we will have but also one of the biggest blessings. Kaden is no longer in limbo and has so many options in front of him. We will see what happens from here and we will get really good at living super frugally. Honestly, i know we can make it through this trial and that we will be better off financially after its all said and done. 

Thursday i went to piyo. I was so happy to be out of the house and feeling normal and treating my body like it is normal and capable. It oddly enough almost felt like a spiritual experience as i focused on my breathing and movements i felt great, i also felt every pain in my back and stomach and every drop of blood coming out of me, i know thats a little visual. But it brought so many feelings to the surface. It is so much easier for me to say that i feel fine. I want to be fine. I want to move on and be okay. 

Can you just move on? No i don't think so. On Thursday i realized what week it was and that 4 years ago this same week i lost my first baby. I have been pregnant 4 times now. 2 pregnancy were amazing and healthy and perfect. I ran every single day, i never had any complications. The other 2? I lost my babies. The first at 6 weeks, the second at 8. How does that happen? Why does that happen? Why should i have 4 children and i have 2? Why is there not an answer to my whys?

Ive made the mistake of reading other miscarriage stories. I don't know if they bring up more feelings i don't want to feel yet or if they are comforting. I feel such a strong form of sorrow and a great amount of happiness all at the same time. I love my two baby girls so much. I grieve for the 2 babies i have yet to know but i do know i will one day have the same loving relationship with them as i do Leighton and Emersyn. 

Right now i pray that our spirit babies will watch over their sisters and guide them and be with them. That when they meet someday they will already love each other. I pray that what i feel for them in my heart won't be loss but love for the tiny life they did have if even just for a moment.

- 

Sunday, April 12th

Now it has almost been two weeks and i honestly do feel great. We spent the past week in the valley. It was one of the neatest trips back since we moved away 5 years ago. I went and did things with the girls that i have been excited about doing with them for a long time. They may sound so simple, but they were just what we needed. We went to inside scoop and at ice cream outside in the beautiful weather. We drove out to red rock, played in the sand and climbed a ton of rocks. We swam in the res and played on the beach in the mud. Of course we also went to the fair. We didn't spend a ton of time up there but a couple hours each day, ate the fair food, took Leighton on the carnival  rides and saw all of the farm animals. Leighton loves the animals so much. I loved watching her with them. I  about died at one point we were in the small animal barn and i was trying to get her to leave, when i turned around she had her arm around a goats neck and was just leaning there next to him like they were good old friends and the goat didn't even care. If we ever have a house with a yard we are totally getting a goat. 

Kaden came down for Friday and Saturday and we enjoyed our time together. It is so strange but we honestly feel so comfortable with everything right now. We should probably be more worried about money but we aren't. We feel like everything is going to work out and our biggest decision right now is just to decide where it is we are supposed to be. Kaden can find work almost everywhere but what kind  of work and what kind of life would it provide for us. One thing that spending time in the valley really showed us is that we want to spend time together, we want to be surrounded by friends and family and friendly people who genuinely care when they ask you how your doing. 

Speaking of people who care…When i posted last week about my miscarriage i had no idea the response that i would receive from it. I honestly posted just for myself. Because it was comforting to write and to put out into the universe. I had no idea so many of you would read it and respond to it and ask how i was doing. If i never wrote you back i am sorry. I really did appreciate every single thought, prayer, hug or kind word that came my way. I was overwhelmed by it all and a little in shock. I remember looking at the blog in the morning and couldn't believe that post alone had 500 views. By the afternoon that had doubled. 

Loss and hard times are sometimes kind of like a train wreck, you can't help want to know what happened. I hope that if you are following because of our situation that you can find peace within it or hope for yourself and wherever you find yourself in life.