At 8 Weeks- Posted 1 week after

Today I woke up. Leighton climbed in my bed and we said our prayers together. It felt so sweet and perfect. I felt so calm and the spirit so strong. I rolled over and texted Jess about the gym and then calmly asked Leighton a few times to go play with Emersyn until i got her out of her crib. I was thinking soon there will be three of them. It will be like this forever. I walked into the bathroom, slightly saw the toilet water thought wow i must have a UTI and i didn't even know. I need to drink way more water today. Then i wiped. Then i wiped again. Then it hit me. "I did not have a UTI. My tests came back positive though, I just had an ultrasound yesterday, and my blood levels were going up. Oh no, this is why Dr. Polson seemed hesitant. This is why i had the tests in the first place. I am losing my baby." No one but Kaden even knows i am pregnant. Am i sad? Can i handle this? We just got excited about the idea of another child. We have been looking at new cars. I bought a little boy outfit. Wait maybe I'm not miscarrying. Maybe something else is happening. I don't feel anything. Maybe i am just numb.

I made the girls breakfast, sat on the couch and the tears began to roll down my cheeks. I am sad. I really am. I wanted to have a baby. I was excited, i thought we were meant to. Another miracle, unplanned baby to bless our lives. Leighton started telling me to not be sad. She whipped my tears and told me stuff was coming out of my eyes. She was so sweet and so sincere. Emersyn came and gave me a hug and I was reminded how truly blessed i really am. Really. Leighton and Emersyn are more than i could ever ask for. I want to be happy, i want to feel like i understand, but i don't. All i know is that this is the Lord's plan and that is not always easy to hear.

All day I just wanted Kaden to come home and hold me. To tell me it will all be alright. That he loves me and that we will have another child when we are meant to. Kaden was sweet but we all handle things in our own way and he shuts himself away when anything bothers him.

Leighton laid down on the couch with me tonight and said "your happy now? no more sad face like this, and closed her eyes and made a crying face. you be happy like this and made her happy face." I love her happy face. I love her sweet spirit and i love her understanding of what it is i need right now.

I am sad. I am confused. I'm in a little bit of pain but mostly i am numb. I just want to cry and i just want the opportunity to have this baby in my belly. I made the mistake of looking at pictures of 8 week old babies. Yes, they look like tiny aliens, but i really want one. I really wish i had an ultrasound picture. I wish i had anything to hold on to that would make this pain in my heart feel more tangible. Like for a few short weeks i was really growing a baby. That when my hair starts falling out or my hormones are a little crazy that i have something to look at or hold onto and know there was a reason.

I write this not for pity, we didn't tell anyone i was pregnant and partly for this reason. I write this so our very very young soul can be remembered. So we are not the only two who know he existed. I write this because i want other moms or moms to be to know they are not alone in their pain. That it is hard. That losing a life no matter how old is not easy. No matter how common, miscarriages are still real and still sad and still painful. Creating a child is absolutely the biggest miracle ever and truly an act of God. Knowing that someday in another life this sweet baby of ours will be mine makes it a little easier but only a little. I am so thankful for the knowledge i have that one day my family will be together again. Lost babies included.

A Busy Month

This past month has been so crazy. I honestly feel like i have been spinning and circles for so long i am finally standing still and can't seem to see straight yet. You that feeling? That one you get when you swing your kids around for a little too long or played the spin till you fall game when you were little. Yes, that is the feeling i am speaking of. I tried so hard to be successful this month. To makes a little extra money and to get us a little more towards our financial goals. Guess what, we are well on our way to some financial success. By that i mean being out of debt and building a savings so we can plan on building a new home sometime in the near future. Working really was not something i intended on doing this year. We were fine with getting by and spending time together, but this job has been the biggest blessing! Selling LuLaRoe is honestly changing our lives.

The downside to that change was how often i wasn't home during the month of march. I ate out so much i honestly gained 8 pounds. I think i could cry just over that. Now that Ive realized i don't want to spin anymore and i want to be able to see straight i am going to plan a few less parties and manage my time a little better. This means making time for the blog again too. Basically i absolutely love writing here and keeping everyone up to date on our lives. I have a few catch up posts i need to make. For now here are the highlights of March!

Leighton turned 3!!!

What?!?!? How did that happen? How in the world do i have a threenager already? She is so fun, upbeat, feisty, beautiful and smart! I can not get over how quickly she is growing up. Ready or not soon she will be off to college (don't worry we still need to start preschool)

We took two trips up north

The girls and i spent a week throwing parties and living out of a hotel room. We spent most of our free time with Aunt Hannah, shopping at Ikea and playing at chic fil a with Jess and the boys. The second time i went up just Emersyn and I went. It was a shorter trip so Leighton got to stay home and play with grandma for a few days. She loved it! She actually told me to go home when i went to pick her up.

We stayed with Grandma and Grandpa a few times.

It is funny how just we used to visit the valley so often that i was sick of it. Now we are almost never there so it feels so nice when we go back. So nice we even consider moving back sometimes… then reality sits in and we think…better not. The girls sure love all the attention they get from Grandma, Gramdpa and Kake Kake.

The Woman Problem

Every time i go to the gym i look in the mirror and think. "I should have put make up on, my hair is so gross, i should do some more squats, maybe pushups actually are a good idea." You get the idea. The list really could go on and on. My work out partner says things like "but i still have this pooch." and I seriously roll my eyes and think, YOU ARE CRAZY! Like you could not bend in half with out that pooch.

Really does every single woman do this to themselves? I think so. Since I began selling LuLaRoe i have thrown quite a few pop-up boutiques and at every single one of them i find myself amazed by the beauty of every single woman i visit with. Really one reason i love this company is because it somehow has made a product that is comfortable and flattering on everyone. When someone comes in and I say "oh actually you probably wear a medium or even a small" they look at me like i am crazy. Sometimes it takes a lot of convincing to get them to try on a dress with a waist or shirt with tight sleeves. Most of their reactions to my compliments are skepticism and doubt. Then they look in the mirror, usually pleasantly surprised but still with the comments of self criticism. I hear things like, "i need to lose weight, once i didn't have this butt, my arms are the worst part of my body."Still happy with their clothes, but clearly not with their bodies.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves. Why do we all feel so bad about our bodies instead of loving them. Our bodies are pretty amazing. No matter what size we are, what shape we are, there is something each of us would love to change. I'm the first to admit that. I want bigger boobs, always have, always will. Actually i just want them to both be the same size right now but guess what nursing is what made them the way they are and nursing my baby girls has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life. Chances are whatever has made your body into the shape it is in now was something similar. Something worthwhile. Having children, begin a mother, putting others first, hustling to support yourself, your family or just trying get through school. Not everyone has time to spend hours at the gym or the ability to eat the way it takes to be as healthy as we'd all love to be.

Women, don't be so hard on yourself. Be appreciative of what you have. You are beautiful! Really i am not just saying that. You are unique and something about you, if not everything about you is absolutely amazing. Own your look, rock it and know that no matter what you are gorgeous. You probably have amazing hair, sparkling eyes and a smile that once broke someones heart and probably still does. Guess what? curves are in. So is being a size 2. Basically being any size is the right size. Look in the mirror, what do you see? Every time a negative thought enters your mind replace it with two positives. Do this everyday and soon you really will know just how absolutely beautiful you are.

6 Years

6 years ago Kaden and I made the biggest decision of our lives. I was an immature 19 year old and Kaden was a nieve 22 year old. We believed we loved each other but we had no idea what marriage really meant. Both our expectations were a little ridiculous. Kaden imagined dinners on the table, packed lunches and a wife that probably wore less than more when they were alone. I pictured lots of cuddles, door opening, your beautifuls and i am the luckiest man the world. The reality was that just not what our first year of marriage was made of. We had a lot of growing pains but only because we both had so much growing up to do. 6 years is not that long, but to me, a person who still catches herself telling people she is 18, (i'm 25) 6 years seems like forever. I can honestly say that at this point I can not imagine our relationship ever being better. Kaden is truly my best friend and I am his. I feel like we have a secret language, we can usually read each others minds and we are always there for each other. We know how to annoy one another more than anyone else and how to make the other laugh even when they aren't in the mood. Of course we still have our ups and downs but i wouldn't change a single thing about where we are right now. I love Kaden so much and i honestly feel like that love just becomes stronger every day. He is the only person i could ever imagine by my side and I am so grateful that 6 years ago we made the choice to spend eternity together.

On our honeymoon in San Francisco

Ramblings on Hustling

I took an ecourse a few weeks ago on productivity, business and social media. The girl teaching it said something that surprised me. "You can only hustle for so long before you fail." Bam my mind was blown. Everyone talks about hustling. It makes me feel like i don't do enough when i see all the cute quotes about it and basically working your A off for what you want. The past week has been the biggest whirl wind and i think it all caught up with me in the form of a migraine last night. This morning though i realized a few things. 1. no wonder you'll fail if you hustle for too long. 2. I have the most amazing friend ever. and 3. I really really really really really need a big car, like really. My LuLaRoe inventory all arrived last night, i sorted it hung it all up and then packed it all in to my car for a party. Actually Jess did most of it. She is amazing and so helpful. I was so stressed i couldn't think straight. 3 jobs may be a little much. After my party this evening i sat down and decided i really need to set goals and organize my time accordingly. What is my priority right now? What do i want to succeed at? In what ways can i do this?

- Right now i am going to focus on first and for most my children. My family and myself. I refuse to ever feel mentally unhealthy again and i refuse to ignore my children just to make some money.

- I am going to build LuLaRoe through personal connections, through a beautiful instagram, by throwing parties and collaborating with other amazing women.

- I am going to keep my home in order, stay organized, and not stress over the small things i don't accomplish in a day.

To build my business and clientele quickly i might have to hustle for awhile but that doesn't mean i have to feel like i am drowning. I am not going to glorify busy. I am going to work my butt off but in ways that benefit my family not only financially but in all aspects. Maybe that will be the key to being successful.

The Blog

Love & Life has changed a lot since i started blogging about, umm 5 years ago now. I have been so off and on and my content has never been much except for my family visited here and a very long crazy update over there…. I might be crazy, and now let me give you some motherly advice.

Well with the new year i have been thinking about my goals for the blog. Where i want it to go, what i really want to write about and what i hope my followers get from reading.

There is not much i can say that i am an expert on but there is quite a bit that i know. I am a wife and a mother after all and both are not easy. In school I studied education, childhood development, photography, and business. I have been a partner in a successful business and test out my creative side whenever i get the chance. I may or may not have an obsession with shopping, try my best to be healthy and enjoy staying fit.

Since that is pretty much how i would describe myself that is pretty much what i want to write about. I want to share our story, tell you about our lives, but i also want to give you my secret to finding love in all the craziness of it. I want every single person who visits this blog to feel like they can relate, or take something away from my words. I promise to be real. I won't post about clothes i can't afford, or tips that i don't use myself. Everything on here can be found in my simple everyday and that is why i am changing the name to LoveITT. 

LoveITT is love and leavitt together. This blog is all about my leavitt life and how i love it. Hope that makes sense. I'm kinda obsessed with it though. Love & Life was a little long and not personal enough. 

Seriously, can we just be one world wide web of friends? That is what i hope you find here. A friend, someone you trust, laugh with, and want to hang out with. How about this year we hang out together? See those follow options to right? Go for it. Become a follower and how bout we become bestsies already?

Prayers Are Answered

Let me get a little churchy on you. I don't share my testimony often. It is something personal to me and honestly i do fear what other people will think. My beliefs are fragile. Especially about things like prayer. I am not perfect at prayer. I am working on it but for a long time i just didn't do it. I would wait until i was completely overwhelmed or until something was happening to someone close to me. It doesn't take long to do but it was just not a habit. Now that i have been really trying I have felt such a difference in my life. I leave the house feeling more balanced and confident. I am calmer with my children and i recognize my blessings daily. Lately Kaden and I have felt like we were in need of a little something extra. Financially we are trying very hard to get out of debt (including cars and student loans) that is huge! I have prayed so hard to know what would be the best way for us to do this and what i should be doing to feel creative and fulfilled in my work. Guess what 100 times over i have told Kaden i just wish i could find something that is great and i love like i do LuLaRoe. It would have been too hard and scary to sign up competing with Brittany (the cedar consultant). Guess What!? Brittany and i met a few months ago and instantly hit it off. I went to her looking for 1 specific item and quickly became an addict. Friday afternoon i texted her quick after having a random thought about spreading the word of her leggings and she shot me back a text asking me to become the local consultant because she is leaving. Ahhh! I was in shock! My heart almost stopped and i questioned everything about it until i sent in my contract Saturday. Really, this opportunity couldn't have came at a more perfect time. When i first told Kaden about this little idea he was so excited. Like I've never seen excited. I have only been a consultant for a whole 24 hours and i have an entire month booked with parties already.  a thousand followers on my sales insta and 100 likes on my Facebook page. I may or may not be ugly crying right now and not just because i am watching the final episode of Parenthood (even though lets be real my heart is completely broken that i won't get to see the bravermans every week anymore.) There are so many ways that i know our prayers are answered. I have always felt things have came together how they were supposed to for our little family but never before did an answer seem to happen so quickly or so blunt. The Lord knows what, when and how we need our answers. Past ventures have always felt like my will and this truly feels like the Lord's. We will see where it takes me and my family.