Finding Me

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart. I am sure i've wrote that in previous posts but it really isn't. Somedays i envision being a mom in the same way i do running long distance. I start to feel over whelmed and think why did this sound like a good idea. The further into the day i get its like the longer i have been running, i start to feel numb and just let my body take over. Then when i put the girls to sleep and Leighton says i love you everything seems right in the world and so worth while. Just like finishing that last mile and taking in the runners high. With so many days like this I tend to feel like I am loosing myself. I would sacrifice everything that i am or have for my girls but where do i draw the line? How do i feel alive and not numb until it's time to go to sleep? Lately i have realized a huge problem i have is that i don't allow myself to dream or plan or even live. I hold on to what i have and keep my mouth shut in fear of losing it. The more i open up the more i realize i find myself. When i let people know how i feel, when i plan to enjoy my days with the girls, when i dare to dream of a new job or business. When i crawl out of the hole i have been hiding in i find all of the things that make this life beautiful. I need to do this more often. I constantly say how happy i am, and how perfect things are. They are, life is wonderful. It just sometimes is not my life. It is my life as a mom or my life as  a wife but there are so many more ways i define myself than those. Don't worry they are my top two. I just don't want to lose everything else that makes me, me and I am working on that.