If you follow(ed) the blog at all, first of all thank you, second, you may have noticed i have not posted since April and my last post was about my most recent miscarriage and Kaden losing his job. I am sorry i left you all hanging. After writing what was supposed to be an inspiring message of how well i could handle hard things i came to face the hard truth that usually that just was not so. Just like after my other pregnancies i experienced ppd. Its a real thing and it is a lot more regular than most people realize but i wanted to ignore it. I basically hid under a rock for a couple of months and when i did actually leave the house i did so overly smiling and happy and in such a way that as soon as i climbed back under my rock…i just cried.
Kaden was offered an amazing new job from an engineering firm in Cedar City. What a blessing! I don't even know how to put into words the gratitude i feel towards this company and what they have not only given Kaden but all of us. What do i mean by that? Well, Kaden is on a project based in San Jose, CA. We haven't quite packed up and moved we are more of living a double life between two houses but for now it is working quite nicely. It has always been our dream to get out of Cedar City for a bit, live in a real city, mostly San Francisco but we are so dang close we can spend our days there when we want to.
How did i go from crying over smiling too big to being able to bounce back and forth? I realized i had the greatest gift the Lord could have ever given me at my finger tips. I just needed to use it. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that Jesus Christ bled from every pore in the Garden of Gethsemanie and hung from the cross so that i can be forgiven for my sins. This is called the atonement. The atonement is so much more than Christ baring our burdens of sin though, it is him helping us through all of our mortal pain and sorrow no matter how it is caused. I was not able to find happiness within my heart on my own, i had a lot of help, a lot of blessings, and spent a lot of my time praying and pondering if i could be healed from this. Every single day that passed i found more joy and could clearly define each blessing that was in my life until i knew The Lord had taken that hurt from me.
Of course i have times when i think, "i could be posting a bump photo," I could be getting a nursery ready or preparing myself for my own little one to hold. I get sad, but i don't feel angry, or frustrated or lost. I feel happy to know i am blessed with an amazing life. I have a husband who loves and supports me, two daughters who are crazier than i know how to handle but i wouldn't change their spirits for anything. We have a huge extended family and so many friends that i love and adore. We are blessed with a home and the opportunity to travel, so many, many wonderful things.
Now that i have taken the leap and wrote and posted my first post back, i hope this will be one of many. I have truly missed writing and sharing my thoughts and our lives.
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