Two Weeks Old {a few days late}

Emersyn is already two weeks old now and I feel like I should be saying only rather than already. It has seemed so natural bringing her home that it's like she has always been a part of our family. She is so sweet and easy. Honestly an eater, sleeper and lover all around. Emersyn is so beautiful and perfect and I never imagined I would be able to feel this way again. I look at her in awe everytime I hold her. She is so strong and alert. Seriously i am afraid to leave her on the couch because she moves so much. I wonder how my babies are able to come out holding up their own heads and ready to roll. She has grown already weighing 7 pounds and 14 ounces and her looks have changed so much already too, still nothing like Leighton though. Leighton is warming up to her and by warming up I mean she has small moments when she wants to look at her or hold her but besides that she acknowledges her by dragging her out of the bouncer or smacking her in the head with toys. I prefer to think she loves her though, especially when she does something sweet like the picture below. All Leighton wanted to do was hold babies hand.

 

I am recovering really quickly this time physically but emotionally I don't really know yet. Last week when I came home feeling invincible should have been a red flag. Honestly hours after having Em I was up in the hospital room balancing on my toes trying to get the perfect pictures of our newborn. I walked myself out to the car when I went home and I went on with life like nothing was much different. After only a week of being home i was already trying to plan out my next races. I was even a little upset when Kaden told me he thought I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to ask him if he realized what I had just accomplished only a week before (I should have been asking myself that instead though). This week I went on feeling the same way until I tried on my beautiful new Anthropologie dress I had been planning on wearing for family pictures this weekend and my boobs were too big. Then when I went shopping for a new outfit I wanted to die when I could barely squeeze into size 4 pants and had to buy an oversized sweater to cover my new found love handles. It didn't help at all that my sister smiled and said its nice to see me look normal. I don't feel normal I feel huge and after only two weeks I know that I should be so happy with my body but I am kind of ready to trade it in for a new one. Thursday I spent most of the day just crying. I hate medical bills, I hate insurance, and I hate that Leighton has gone so crazy all I wanted to do was lay in my bed in a ball and sleep. Of course Kaden was gone hunting though and I honestly thought I would be totally fine on my own. If I don't stick to a daily routine and make my bed and take a shower as soon as I wake up I'm afraid I won't leave my room all day. I hope that this will soon be over and I won't be dealing with these hormones for too long. I get so nervous when I think of how depressed and alone it felt after having Leighton. I have been trying to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to accomplish everything on my lists or fit into my old clothes or run for months but it's hard to come to terms with the fact that having a baby means completely starting over again.

Luckily Emersyn is little and perfect and I find so much Joy just in holding her. It probably would be smart if i could convince myself to slow down and remember she will be Leighton's size in a short year and a half.