Motivate Me Monday- Dream Weekend

Did anyone else have a dream weekend? We sure did. I honestly am pretty sad that it is over. Saturday started off with a super awesome Piyo class that kicked my butt and let the babes play at the gym day care. For some reason Leighton loves the place. Then we went on a breakfast and swim date with friends. Coconut, chocolate chip, ricotta pancakes are always a good idea! 

My little girls are quite the pair of fish. Leighton is way too brave in the water and i need to get her into lessons asap! Every time she thought i wasn't watching her she would run straight to the deep end and try to jump in. Thank goodness for awesome lifeguards who kept their eyes on her. 

After the pool and nap time i took the girls to the local nursery for "garden days" they were offering free little kid train rides. Leighton was in love. If it wasn't for the wind she would have rode that thing all afternoon. While we were there i had her help me pick out some new things to plant in the yard. What was her favorite plant to carry around? Beats. We planted everything together after church yesterday. It is so nice to be at this point in Leighton's life where she is taking everything in and learning so much. She loves to be a helper and its great because Emersyn loves to watch. 

This week I hope to have more moments like this with my girls. I am going to be posting a list of all the things we want to do this summer. I am so glad it is finally here!

Unwanted Advice

People love to give advice. It's natural. It seems like everyone likes to think that others should do what they are doing, but it's more that people like to feel helpful. If you have had a baby then you know this is true. If you dont believe me post a simple question on Facebook epidural or natural?" Or a statement "I've tried for 3 days to get my baby to sleep and it's not happening" 100+ comments I swear. When you are given advice you weren't asking for how do you deal? I'm not great at this, a lot of the time I laugh about it or I tell people close to me followed by a can you believe that, or it's crazy. Then I usually realize their is some help in the unsolicited advise that was given. When I told a woman from church I was pregnant I got to hear for 2 hours how to properly have a baby at home. With out a midwife. I never intended to have my baby at home and I still don't. The hospital is plenty comfortable for me. But I listened. 

Before Leighton was born I swore on my life the girl would never eat sugar, ever!  I was really good about it until the day she turned 1. Then it was too hard to be a helicopter mom and tell everyone around me not to feed my child and to explain that although fruit snacks seem healthy, they are full of sugar. The advice I was given... Don't be hard on yourself when your kid starts eating sugar. I heard this over and over again and everytime I wanted to freak out. Sometimes I tried to argue but it was always better when I listened. Now Leighton might not be the healthiest toddler on the block. She is dairy free due to allergies and making her sugar free made for an almost impossible diet. She obviously loves sugar just like the next kid. I monitor her intake but I don't feel bad when she eats it. That advise I didn't ask for, well it happens to be useful more often than you'd think. Be a listening person and acknowledge what is being said. You never know if you'll use it or not. Heck maybe I'll have to deliver my next baby at home on the toilet, you never know. By listening you save yourself an argument and fulfil the other persons need to be helpful. 

Check out the other link up posts here.

Timing

If you follow the blog then you know so much change has happened in my life and i have been feeling the load of it lately. I am feeling better, talking about it has been great and feed back has been putting things into perspective. Although my personal trials are small right now i realize, time alone can not heal all things but know that the Lord can. I have learned this lesson so many times and yet it still surprises me over and over again. Kaden and I have witnessed our fare share of trials in our short 5 years together. We have helped others who have gone through truly tragic events and have always thought of our selves as blessed. 

You may already know this, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. Before i became pregnant with Leighton i had a very hard time getting pregnant. I was really young when I went off birth control and assumed if we are meant to have a baby we better not do anything to prevent it. Secretly i wished every month that i was pregnant. I don't even want to know how much money i spent on those dang tests. My 19 year old self could not have ever known the beauty that the Lord had planned for me years down the road. I like to thank a very long time on Clomid and lots of healthy eating and exercise for my fertility finally kicking in but really i know it is much more than that. There was a point that i felt like giving up, after having a miscarriage, i felt like i had lost my chance and that being a mother would come much later on in life, maybe when we could afford more expensive fertility treatments or adoption. 

I felt like that was the hardest thing i had ever gone through, and probably still is. It was such a spiritual awakening to me. I carried a child that wasn't ready to come to earth, or maybe didn't need to. I felt angels surrounding me and The Lord's presence in my life so strongly. If i was supposed to have a baby it would happen on the Lord's time. 

Clearly i have children now. I have two beautiful miracle babies. A few months after my miscarriage I became pregnant with Leighton, I even was in a car accident during that time and was told i had lost her, I didn't. The Lord blessed us with her when she was supposed to come. Her life brought happiness into our lives and into others who needed it. During the time that i was pregnant with her Kaden and I were being prepared to be parents, we grew closer in a way we never could have if our first child was born. I was and still am constantly reminded of the Lord's timing and that everything comes down to following his will. 

Motivate Me Monday- Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day!!!

I hope you all enjoyed your three day weekend. But Most importantly I hope that everyone was able to take some time and reflect on those that have gone before them. The reason for this holiday is to honor those that have been lost, especially serving our great nation. What better way to honor those who have died than by living? This week this is what i am reflecting on and aiming towards. Hope you are as well.

Mommy Guilt- Feeling Over Touched

Do i feel mommy guilt? I have a toddler, need i say more? Oh and a 6 month old. That should pretty much sum it up. Mommy guilt i am sure is felt in different ways with every child and at every age. I honestly don't know if i ever felt it with Leighton until I found out i was pregnant again but i defenitly felt a form of it with Kaden after having Leighton, because of that, Emersyn is more of a miracle than you will ever know.

I have read several articles on mommy guilt just to make sure i am normal and so far i seem to be. I start to feel upset with myself when i wish i was working instead of at home, when i yell at Leighton instead of speaking with her calmly but firmly, anytime i have ever spanked her, and especially when i feel over touched. Sometimes i feel like this with Leighton and sometimes i feel like it with Kaden. It is a real thing, if you haven't ever felt this way then praise the Lord. Seriously. 

As a mom your body is no longer your own. I mean it is, but it is what you use to carry your baby, feed your baby, and put your baby to sleep with. It is your toddlers jungle gym and way of feeling loved. It is what you used to make your children in the first place, helps to keep your husband happy and your marriage strong. Not to mention its what you grew your children and used to give birth to them. Every thing you use your body for as a mom is so worth it and usually very intimate but can be overwhelming.

I had read about this problem before i ever had kids and knew right away i would be someone who had it. I am not a super touchy person anyways, i have a weird need to be loved through touch but only at certain times. I am not always a huge hugger and i am not one of those girls that ever held hands or linked arms with her sisters or girl friends. I do however need my husband to hold my hand, or kiss me when he gets home from work, or put his hand on my knee when we are sitting close. I have loved those things since we were dating. Now that i have children...sometimes anything more is wayyy too much. I feel like i am constantly holding Emersyn, nursing her or rocking her to sleep. If i'm not then Leighton is hanging on me begging to be held or carried around sometimes she even clings to my leg and won't let go. 

At least once a week i have a break down. I tell Leighton to go away, to go play, to watch a movie, do anything but hang on me. When i get to this point i have several things i do to make the situation better. I close my eyes, focus on breathing for a minute, then get on Leighton's level and help her find an activity she will enjoy until Kaden gets home (usually this happens at the end of the day). I love my daughter more than words can ever say, but sometimes i just need my body to myself. With Emersyn it is easier for me to just set her on the ground and watch from a distance. 

Now as for Kaden. When i feel this way and have had days where being touched is way too much for me to handle, then i need to warn him. Usually i tell him when he first gets home and asks about my day. If i say i nursed a hundred times and Leighton was all over me and i had to get her off, then he knows. In the beginning this was so much harder than it is now. Not wanting  to be touched caused a lot of fighting and hurt feelings. Lets face it men need intimacy in their lives, women do too but not always in the same way. When i feel over touched getting to the bedroom is the last thing on my mind. Kaden and I have figured out ways to deal with it though. We both love each other and want to show each other and the last thing either of us wants is for the other to feel like they aren't being loved and really you can not have a happy marriage with out touching each other. 

Now that we have came to terms with the fact that i have a real issue with this, we have figured out how to fix it. Sometimes Kaden gives me a break, he watches both of the girls and lets me take a bath, like a real one with out toys or childrem in it. I have time to wash my hair and even shave my legs and when i get out i have an empty bucket of touches to fill. I can put both girls to bed and let them hang all over me and not once feel a need to scream. This obviously works in Kaden's favor as well. And it is not that i get to take a proper bath, but more that i get some time to myself. To only care about me and not have anyone else needing something from me. I have found that going to the gym or on a run helps this problem a lot too. Again it is time to me, in my own space and I am not worrying about the girls. 

I have always felt guilty about this, and it has not been easy to try and figure out. It not only can affect my relationship with my girls but with my husband as well. It is one of those things that makes a lot of sense and that i am happy i know how to handle now, but that doesn't make it any easier or make me feel any less guilty over it.

To hear more about Mommy Guilt from other bloggers check out this weeks link up here.

Emersyn is 6 Months Old!

I cannot believe my baby is growing so quickly. She has such a sweet personality. I never want her to grow up. This little girl is such a doll. I am obsessed with her chubby thighs and bum but it turns out she is very petit. This girl has such a different little shape than Leighton did but she weighs a pound less and is an inch shorter than Leighton was at her age. This girl is only in the 12th percentile for weight! It seems so crazy to me that she is so tiny.

I love that she stills feels like a baby baby. She even lets me swaddle her still and she just barely moved into her crib last night. This sweet girl is a lot like her sister though, I think she is just trying to keep up. She is already crawling, sitting up on her own and getting into everything. By the time she is 2 we will have locks on every drawer, door and cabinet. Between her and Leighton nothing is really baby proof. 

Emersyn is the most mild mannered baby there ever was. She is always happy and if she does happen to get upset she can't figure out whether she should smile or cry. She loves Leighton so much and laughs the most when they play together. Emersyn lets her crazy big sister roll her across the living room, drag her into the teepee and even carry her into the backyard, all while smiling the biggest smile you have ever seen. 

 She has barely became interested in food and doesn't eat very much of it. Her favorite is kale puffs, she throws them all over the place and manages to eat them too. She isn't too fond of pureed food quite yet but sure looks cute with it all over her face. I love that she chooses to breast feed over everything else. It gives us more time together. 

Em loves blankets, and stuffed animals. She cuddles them close to her face while she sucks on her two right middle fingers. It melts my heart every time. She likes playing with things that move like wooden cars and anything little that she shouldn't have. Bath time is probably her favorite though. Her and Leighton could play in the bath for hours if i let them. With just a little bit of water she will splash forever, try to catch ducks and even roll around. 

I am not ready for this little baby of mine to grow up. Her sweet presents as a baby is just what i need in my life. She brings so much joy into our home that we don't know what we would have ever done with out her. 

A Personal Struggle

Sometimes I struggle with knowing that being a mother is enough. I know it sounds silly and most of my posts are about my daughters and how much joy they bring me but I tend to try and post about the positive. I have always tried to post about my life though. As I get more followers and my life takes new turns I don't ever want to stray from that. So here is how I feel. Here is what my fears are lately. Here is what I struggle with. 

In February of 2013 I started an easy yet exciting new job where I learned, gained confidence and molded new dreams. I felt useful and appreciated. Just a couple months later I began planning a new life to follow this job. It was all that I thought about. All that I worked for. It truly consumed me. Every moment of it was exciting and again I felt useful and appreciated. This past march as most of you know we, (Kaden and I) decided this dream was not meant to be followed. For so many reasons that I constantly question. I feel like I gave up on something I worked so hard for. In the time of a 3 hour flight my life changed completely. I went from always being in school, always working, having a partner and always being a mother to only being a mother. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I not only gave up my dream, but my life. I felt unappreciated and like I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just never did do enough, maybe i just always expected too much?

In the beginning I came home thinking of all the wonderful time I can spend with my children, with my husband, all of the time I can spend working on my home and working on new dreams. Until this past week I have done nothing but fight an inner battle. Maybe I have ppd, maybe I am not good with change or maybe i just needed something to tell me what I do is the most important thing I will ever do. 

Basically on the surface I know that there is no greater calling than being a mother. But when I let my mind wander, I worry. Should I be working, should i be furthering my education, should i so many things that it is draining and disheartening. 

I probably should seek professional help for how i feel some days, but for now i am setting myself goals. Daily, weekly, even monthly obtainable goals. I need to see progress in my life. Last night i sat on the couch cuddled to my husband and watched my daughters play together. They rolled and laughed and Leighton gave Emersyn kisses and Emersyn touched Leightons face. In that moment i was reminded that what i do is enough. That it is the best thing i can be doing. What would i miss if i made myself do more? I am blessed and I know it. I just need to remember it every day and every time I let thoughts of doubt take over.