A Personal Struggle

Sometimes I struggle with knowing that being a mother is enough. I know it sounds silly and most of my posts are about my daughters and how much joy they bring me but I tend to try and post about the positive. I have always tried to post about my life though. As I get more followers and my life takes new turns I don't ever want to stray from that. So here is how I feel. Here is what my fears are lately. Here is what I struggle with. 

In February of 2013 I started an easy yet exciting new job where I learned, gained confidence and molded new dreams. I felt useful and appreciated. Just a couple months later I began planning a new life to follow this job. It was all that I thought about. All that I worked for. It truly consumed me. Every moment of it was exciting and again I felt useful and appreciated. This past march as most of you know we, (Kaden and I) decided this dream was not meant to be followed. For so many reasons that I constantly question. I feel like I gave up on something I worked so hard for. In the time of a 3 hour flight my life changed completely. I went from always being in school, always working, having a partner and always being a mother to only being a mother. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I not only gave up my dream, but my life. I felt unappreciated and like I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just never did do enough, maybe i just always expected too much?

In the beginning I came home thinking of all the wonderful time I can spend with my children, with my husband, all of the time I can spend working on my home and working on new dreams. Until this past week I have done nothing but fight an inner battle. Maybe I have ppd, maybe I am not good with change or maybe i just needed something to tell me what I do is the most important thing I will ever do. 

Basically on the surface I know that there is no greater calling than being a mother. But when I let my mind wander, I worry. Should I be working, should i be furthering my education, should i so many things that it is draining and disheartening. 

I probably should seek professional help for how i feel some days, but for now i am setting myself goals. Daily, weekly, even monthly obtainable goals. I need to see progress in my life. Last night i sat on the couch cuddled to my husband and watched my daughters play together. They rolled and laughed and Leighton gave Emersyn kisses and Emersyn touched Leightons face. In that moment i was reminded that what i do is enough. That it is the best thing i can be doing. What would i miss if i made myself do more? I am blessed and I know it. I just need to remember it every day and every time I let thoughts of doubt take over.  

Motivate Me Monday- Strugglin

Lately i have been facing some real struggles. Last week I feel like it finally tried to admit to them and I am ready to move past them. I am sure I will post more, I need to. For now these are my motivators. Every time I saw one I felt like wow i really needed this! Aren't those moments perfect? I fight emotional ups and downs every day and when things speak to me I know i have something new to focus on or remember to help keep me motivated. 

controls your life

okay

peace

Boobs to Bottles- Learn from My Mistake

Today's linked up topic is on transitioning from breast or formula feeding to milk. I have absolutely zero experience with formula feeding so i will talk about breast feeding to milk and you all can learn from all of my mistakes in this area. 

I have been blessed with the opportunity to breast feed both of my beautiful babies. I honestly was all about it with Leighton and so much so i was determined to feed her until she was at least two. I read so many great things about bonding and health that i was not opposed to feeding as long as she possibly would. That did not work out how i had hoped though. I started to lose my milk supply just a few weeks into my second pregnancy. Leighton was only 10 months old and i didn't even know i was pregnant yet. I got nervous and did everything i could to get it back. With out much luck Leighton slowly began taking more and more bottles, and by the time she was 11 1/2 months old she was almond milk from a bottle only. Not only was I devastated but Leighton was a year old and for the first time hooked on a bottle. (She drinks almond milk because she is allergic to dairy, and we aren't huge dairy fans anyways)

Break my heart here is the mistake i made... I transitioned her to a bottle. Wow was that stupid! Judge all you want, I have a 2 year old that takes a bottle every night before bed. I am a total push over but I changed her comfort from me to a bottle. 

Still I suggest breast feed as long as possible! The health benefits are out of this world. I know some people are turned off by breast feeding, it's possible to do in good taste. Use a cover or feed in private. If you are able it is the most loving and beneficial act you can do for your baby. It has been a beautiful and very fulfilling experience with both if my girls and not to mention it's saved sooo much money. 

When it is time to introduce milk. I think around 1 year is the easiest and healthiest time to do this, start with a sippy. Oh how I wish I would have. Milk or Almond milk is usually much sweeter and is almost like a treat so it's not that hard of a transition for the milk itself. But remember breast feeding is not only about milk, it's about comfort and attachment too. Help your child to find comfort in other ways than nursing. Introducing a stuffed animal or blanket is great at this time and make sure to still hold and cuddle your little one. They will notice a lack of physical contact if you don't. 

For mamas, remember this transition might not be easy on you. Your hormones will change. You might break out or feel very emotional. It is so normal, just be aware of it. You might be needing all the holding and cuddles you get from your little one too! 

When you get to this point I wish you the best of luck! How have you transitioned from breast milk to milk? 

Don't forget to check out the other bloggers and their experiences in the link up! 

Motivate Me Monday- Still Monday Right?

This week I am going to kick some major butt on the home redecorating scene! 

Happy Monday (almost Tuesday) All!!!!

less.

exist.

need to be.

1...2...3...

I know I'm so late on writing this post! I am sorry, i totally blame it on being so sick and stressed out last week. I had a migraine that put me out of commission and thought i was losing my milk supply. Its a real problem and scared me so much i probably stressed way too much and made it worse. Anyways I am so excited about these link up topics and love hearing and giving advice on raising babes and toddlers so its perfect.

This link up was on how to tame the temper tantrum. Where to begin? Have any of you met my overly dramatic 2 year old? She is the one with red hair, blue eyes, a high pitched scream and is probably laying on the ground kicking her feet. Needless to say, I am not the master tamer of the tantrum that is for sure. I surprisingly became pregnant again just before Leighton turned 1 and at the time i thought i had given birth to the most perfect child on the planet. Leighton was so smart, and so mild tempered i knew the fit throwing was not in my future. About 6 months in to my pregnancy every idea i had about Leighton drastically changed. When Leighton was 18 months old (and i was ready to pop) i found myself in a friends living room trying to put Leighton to bed and staring in shock and horror as she screamed her head off and turned into a crazy child. I am serious, crazy! She even shook a lamp. Every fear i had ever had about having two babies so close together was about to come to life and I was not ready for it. After a few weeks of pretending like Leighton wasn't a normal almost two year old who threw fits and cried to get her way i reminded myself... I have spent the last 5 years in the classroom learning how to handle this, learning how to calm children and how to ultimately tame a tantrum. In the past i had worked with children using numerous ways to calm them including, holding, time outs, redirecting and ignoring. 

Recognize What They Need

If there is one thing you take away from this it should be this, ever child is different, every child requires a different form of love as well discipline. Leighton loves to be held, cuddled, kissed and recognized through touch. If i use that against her it only makes bad times worse. If  i was to hold Leighton when she is throwing a fit to get her to calm down it would take twice as long and it would devastate her, the same goes for spanking. Since i know she needs to be loved by touch i make an extra effort to give her hugs, to hold her on my lap when we talk, give her piggy back rides when we play and carry her around when Emersyn is alright on her own. Doing this cuts the fits down a ton. She knows she is loved and a huge part of her needs are being met.

Understand Why They Are Upset

Sometimes Leighton freaks out just to freak out, but more often than not there is a specific need not being met and I need to help her meet it. Leighton tends to become more upset when she is late for a nap or has skipped one all together. She cries over food i don't want her to eat when she is hungry or when she has skipped a snack or meal. When we are shopping or out and about i know she feels ignored or bored out of her mind when she cries for an item or throws herself to the ground for what seems like no reason at all. Fits like these can often be fixed by knowing what they need, this is when redirection works best and a positive attitude. (Ex. Are you Hungry? I am sorry you can't eat that bag of candy but i will get you some oranges.) Pointing out the actual feeling they have helps them to learn that feeling doesn't mean they need to scream and cry but that they want to eat or whatever the need may be.

           

Stay Calm

I am the first to admit that this isn't easy. But tantrums are so much easier if you can do it. If its too hard to deal, then separate yourself from the situation. Leave the room, put your child in their room. Breathe and give yourself space from the moment. Maybe it will pass on its own, if not then start from the beginning, what does your child respond to best and what is the main reason for the tantrum in the first place? Then move forward with the action you see fit. Sometimes children need the tough punishment, sometimes they need to ignored and sometimes they just need to be loved. Make your choice and follow through. Even if a huge punishment is in order stay calm while doing it. The more high strung you are, the more your child will feed off of it. The calmer you are, the calmer it is for them to be. One method i use most of the time, wether it works or not is counting to three. This not only helps me to stay in check but tends to get Leighton's attention and lets her know if her behavior does not stop then there will be a punishment. 1...2...3... somedays all this does is helps her to count but at least something is being learned right?

Pictures by- Mckenzie Felt

What ways have you found to be successful in taming tantrums? Is there a special cure all for the two year old out there? If so i want that magic potion please!

A Mother

This morning i woke up in a huge hotel bed with Emersyn snuggled next to me and Leighton sprawled across Kaden and mine's legs. I laid there in the dark before anyone else moved smiling to myself. I couldn't help but feel so blessed. What a calling i have been given. I am a mother. I have two darling girls that i have opportunity of raising. 

Not every morning feels so picturesque. In fact, most mornings don't. I am usually crawling out of bed with my eyes half open and am counting down the hours until i can lay down again. Honestly, being a mother is probably the hardest thing i will ever do. That might just make being a mother that much more amazing though. It is not for the faint of heart, it is sleepless nights, cleaning the house, making meals, changing bums, stressing about anything and everything, keeping a little human not only alive but well and thriving.

Photos by McKenzie Felt.

I can not think of anything else i would rather be doing. The hard days make the good days that much better. I love spending my days with the girls playing dress up, dancing in the living room, swimming in the tub or running around the back yard. I love our secret laughs, soft kisses, and long hugs. I love when Leighton says mommy when she is loving and yells mom when she is mad. I love that Emersyn only has eyes for me and will literally bend over backwards to see my face. I know there is nothing more spiritual or no other work that can bring me closer to God than that of being a mother. I could not be a mother if i was not entrusted with these spirits and i know that i am because Heavenly Father saw me fit to watch over them. 

I love that today is a day devoted to mothers and all that they do. I could not be the mother that i am with out my mom and Kaden's as well. We have been blessed with amazing parents, but especially amazing mothers. These women put up with two stubborn, strong willed children who demanded a lot of attention and still do. We could not be more grateful for their support in our lives and their love for our girls, they are both the best grandmothers there are! I have always loved this quote and this it fits them perfectly. 

P.S. -The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints released this video. Could it be anymore perfect?

Feeling Smarter Now?

Friday, the 2nd of May, 2014 I graduated from Southern Utah University with a degree in Education. This endeavor took way to long but i finally finished it. No, I won't be teaching now. I applaud all those out there that are teaching now, but at this point in my life it is not for me. I am grateful for the hours and years i put into learning about children, their development, and ways of teaching. There are so many lessons i learned that i apply to my life every day and to the way i intend on raising my own children. The feeling of putting on my cap and gown seemed a little sureal. I had been dreaming about the moment i would be handed my diploma since the day i made the decision to go to college.

Photos by McKenzi Felt (whats a shoot with out a baby?)

When i graduated high school I had no idea who i wanted to be when i grew up but i knew i did not want to waist any more time in a classroom. Sorry to all of my high school teachers, but i didn't learn a whole lot and that was mostly my fault. It wasn't until i moved on a whim and fell into a Montessori teaching job that i found my love for learning and understood the importance of being an educated person. I think this why i majored in education even though i don't care to teach or at least for now, but i do hope to help others find a love for learning. All that we get to take with us after this life are the things we know, i would know very little if i didn't crave to learn. 

After being asked several times on graduation day if i felt any smarter now i just laughed. Now that i have thought about it...yes, i do. If i didn't my time spent in classrooms, computer labs, at the library on practicums, and up late at night would have been for nothing.

My Daughters and Red Balloons

If you have not heard Ryan's story, you can find it here.

His mamma blogs here.

Loss is definitely not easy and hard does not even begin to describe the pain you feel from it. Grief comes in many ways and life that is left, is changed forever. I truly hope that dear little Ryan's parents find their way through what will be the most trying thing they could ever experience and that they may know how many angel's are surrounding them. So many lives have been touched because of Ryan's passing.  Social media has connected all of us and allowed us to be a part of each others lives with out personally knowing one another. 

As i watched the story of Ryan's passing grow and the red balloons fill every square i scrolled past, tears filled my eyes and love filled my heart. I reflected a lot on my girls and what they mean to me. How could i possibly imagine losing either of them? I can't. I pray it is a heart ache i never have to endure. I do not know if i could survive it. My girls have become my whole heart. All of the love i have for anything in my life is somehow connected to them. These two beautiful spirits were entrusted to me and it is my responsibility to show them love, to teach them of heavenly things, and to provide them with strength and safety. I intend to hold them a little longer, shower them with kisses and praise, and pray that they may be safe from them things in the world that are waiting to harm them. I feel like Love is to simple of  a word to describe how i feel about my girls. I hope they may always know how deeply i care for them and that they are the root of who i am. They are my daughters. Leighton and Emersyn are my everything.

Motivate Me Monday- Progress

I graduated! Woo hoo!

 Literally since the second i received my diploma hold i have thought

 "what now?" 

I am not even going to begin on all of the ideas of things i want to venture into

or places i want to go, but in the spirit of MMM 

cheers to progressing!