Mothering a Toddler

Leighton is in a magical little stage of life called "toddler" and I, her mother, am not sure how to actually "mother" a toddler. Every morning since Emersyn was born i have woken up telling myself I am going to show Leighton how much i love her today, I am going to hug her, hold her, play with her, dance with her, read to her, and tell her she is beautiful and special and good job, yay, and thank you. Then about two hours into the day and after the tenth time of pulling her off the counter, out of the toilet, off the tv stand, out of my make up or away from the dog food i snap. I turn into a stressed out smelly (because i haven't showered yet), tired (because i was up with Em all night), starving (because i havent ate yet) monster of a mom. Sometimes i make myself count to 5 before i pull her off the counter for the billionth time, several times i've tried spanking her (which i hate), and some days i just go stick her in her crib so i can have 5 minutes to breather and cool down before i scream at her. She is not even 2 yet. I hate feeling like this, I hate getting angry with her, I hate that as much as try to speak her language or mirror her actions or teach her that things aren't safe she does not understand. Now that my house is clean, and hopefully stays this way, most of my Christmas is up, except for the tree that Kaden hasn't got for me for the third year in a row, and I am finally finished with school and set to graduate I am going to try even harder. I want to promise to myself and to my darling handful of a daughter that from here on out I will take care of her and myself the way i should. Maybe if i'm fed and dressed and awake i will be more patient, and maybe if i am more patient Leighton will be more inclined to listen (heres to hoping). All i want to do is see my daughter be happy and grow and learn and I know that will only happen if i provide the environment for it to. 

1 Month Old

I cant believe this little girl is already a month old. It seems so natural having her here that i didn't even realize it had been her month birthday. Emersyn has grown quite a bit. She really is quite the piglet, eating as often as i let her. She is now wearing 0-3 month clothes and staying awake long enough to show off how strong and aware she can be. This pretty girl still has a head of dark hair and we are pretty sure she will have blue eyes. Leighton is totally warmed up to her now. Still wont say Emma or Emersyn but she does say baby all day long now and loves holding her and giving her kisses. Now because i can't help but show off this beautiful girl and i am obsessed with our family photos, here are a some of our little 1 month old.

A Little Piece of Perfect

When i find a peaceful moment in the day to just sit and not worry about work, homework, or Leighton, i like to hold Emersyn in my arms. I sit and wonder what she must be dreaming or who she might remember or what things are to come in her life. 

Babies are so sweet and innocent and even smell so lovely. Emersyn really is nothing short of perfect. She has not been flawed yet, hasn't said her first "no" or ran away from me screaming in the grocery store. (obviously toddlers are not perfect) 

She is so beautiful and soft. Her coos melt my heart and her little smile takes my breath away. I wish she could stay this way forever. Small enough to fit in my arms and small enough to want to be there.

  

Leightons First Snow Day

The past week has been nothing but tiring and stressful. I had a list of a dozen things i needed to get done but only one thing on my mind and it wasn't getting finished very quickly. I had two papers that were due last Sunday and i had the hardest time writing them. Luckily i really do have the coolest professor who let me have more time to finish them. Even with researching all week i could not put my thoughts on paper very well and i wrote and rewrote way too many times. Finally Thursday evening i was finished and felt like i could breathe again. My home had been totally neglected and so had my babies, especially Leighton. So I promised myself i would make the day about her. 

We woke up Friday morning to a backyard full of fresh snow. It had been one of the first times i had waken up before her since having Emersyn and i waited anxiously for her to get up and see are new white yard. As soon as she stumbled down the stairs i ran her over to back door and we eewwed and awwwed over all the white. Leighton was so curious. Of course we had snow last year but I am sure she doesn't remember it and she definitely wasn't old enough to play in it. 

She was sooo careful at first, stepping on it softly and listened to it crunch under her boot, then she tip toed to the back of the yard and eventually picked up a handful and tried to eat it. After that she gave up her bottle and went crazy running laps with Tiffany. Our boots have now made their home by the back door until the snow is officially gone. It was honestly the best way to spend some quality time with my little girl. I can't wait for more fun days that will come with the snow.

A Perfect Weekend

Two weekends ago (Em's first weekend home) we had a full schedule planned out. Including a wedding on Saturday and a family reunion on Sunday we were going to be crazy and venture out if Cedar with our 1 week old and attend these two much anticipated events. I am a planner and I have a need for human interaction and being pregnant only made it worse and almost obsessive (okay very obsessive). I fixated on any little future event as much as possible to keep myself busy and in check. When Kaden told me he felt like we should skip out on our plans for Em's sake and ours (we both had numerous papers due) I had to hold back a little anxiety attack and I try to remind myself I just had a baby. Obviously I was not in the right state of mind because I quickly wanted to add a 5k to my Saturday and was pretty upset I didn't have a chance to see if I could even run around the block.

Our weekend turned out to be exactly what I needed. We didn't do anything that was previously planned. We woke up each day as a family and Kaden even let me sleep in and took care of Leighton both Saturday and Sunday. We spent time with my parents, ran some errands with out the girls and took Leighton to then park and on a walk. We both were even able to get several papers finished and turned in. 

The best part of our weekend was that we spent it completely together. Kaden and I helped each other with everything. We took turns with the girls, took turns with cleaning up and overall reassured each other that we can handle everything we do and have two kids. It was exactly what I needed to help ease some moving anxiety I've been feeling since having Emersyn. It reminded me of how much Kaden really does love and care for me and our family and helped me to get out of my obsessive planning need that I had going on. It really was exactly what I needed.

 

Two Weeks Old {a few days late}

Emersyn is already two weeks old now and I feel like I should be saying only rather than already. It has seemed so natural bringing her home that it's like she has always been a part of our family. She is so sweet and easy. Honestly an eater, sleeper and lover all around. Emersyn is so beautiful and perfect and I never imagined I would be able to feel this way again. I look at her in awe everytime I hold her. She is so strong and alert. Seriously i am afraid to leave her on the couch because she moves so much. I wonder how my babies are able to come out holding up their own heads and ready to roll. She has grown already weighing 7 pounds and 14 ounces and her looks have changed so much already too, still nothing like Leighton though. Leighton is warming up to her and by warming up I mean she has small moments when she wants to look at her or hold her but besides that she acknowledges her by dragging her out of the bouncer or smacking her in the head with toys. I prefer to think she loves her though, especially when she does something sweet like the picture below. All Leighton wanted to do was hold babies hand.

 

I am recovering really quickly this time physically but emotionally I don't really know yet. Last week when I came home feeling invincible should have been a red flag. Honestly hours after having Em I was up in the hospital room balancing on my toes trying to get the perfect pictures of our newborn. I walked myself out to the car when I went home and I went on with life like nothing was much different. After only a week of being home i was already trying to plan out my next races. I was even a little upset when Kaden told me he thought I wasn't ready yet. I wanted to ask him if he realized what I had just accomplished only a week before (I should have been asking myself that instead though). This week I went on feeling the same way until I tried on my beautiful new Anthropologie dress I had been planning on wearing for family pictures this weekend and my boobs were too big. Then when I went shopping for a new outfit I wanted to die when I could barely squeeze into size 4 pants and had to buy an oversized sweater to cover my new found love handles. It didn't help at all that my sister smiled and said its nice to see me look normal. I don't feel normal I feel huge and after only two weeks I know that I should be so happy with my body but I am kind of ready to trade it in for a new one. Thursday I spent most of the day just crying. I hate medical bills, I hate insurance, and I hate that Leighton has gone so crazy all I wanted to do was lay in my bed in a ball and sleep. Of course Kaden was gone hunting though and I honestly thought I would be totally fine on my own. If I don't stick to a daily routine and make my bed and take a shower as soon as I wake up I'm afraid I won't leave my room all day. I hope that this will soon be over and I won't be dealing with these hormones for too long. I get so nervous when I think of how depressed and alone it felt after having Leighton. I have been trying to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to accomplish everything on my lists or fit into my old clothes or run for months but it's hard to come to terms with the fact that having a baby means completely starting over again.

Luckily Emersyn is little and perfect and I find so much Joy just in holding her. It probably would be smart if i could convince myself to slow down and remember she will be Leighton's size in a short year and a half.

November {part 1}

How is it already November? This year has gone by so fast. I honestly feel like it should be just starting still, but i am sure glad that it is already the eleventh month. I have always loved November. Every year i challenge myself to look back and remind myself each day of something i am truly thankful for and why. I usually post about it on facebook but this year i want it to be more special and personal than that. So i decided i would put it on here instead. Obviously I am a few days behind but for good reason. Beautiful miss Emersyn joined us on the 1st (only making this month even more special).

I am thankful for...

01- the ability i have to have children. Several years ago i was told it wouldn't be easy to get pregnant and with our first daughter it really wasn't. We now have two absolutely beautiful little girls. Both pregnancies have been easy and deliveries have gone smoothly. Having a child it truly a miracle, so many things have to work out just right in order to bring a new life into this world.

02- my husband. Kaden and I do not always have the easiest marriage but we do always have a good one. Kaden has been so supportive of me and all that i strive to do. He has encouraged me to finish school, start businesses, stay healthy and do the things i love. He works hard so i can stay home with our girls. He is still in school so he can have an education and a good job. He plays, cuddles and reads to our girls and i know that our family is the most important thing to him. I am so proud of him and i couldn't feel more thankful that 5 years ago he asked me to marry him. 

03- Leighton. I have always felt like she was the missing piece to the family Kaden and I had been praying for. The moment she arrived she filled our lives with so much love and joy. She has been my perfect side kick for the past year and a half and i know will be the perfect big sister.

04- Emersyn. Although she has only been in our lives for 5 days now it feels like she has always been here. Emersyn was definetly a surprise but she is also our little miracle. We can already tell there was a reason for him coming into our lives right now.

05- mine and Kaden's mom. Both of our moms were able to spend several days in Cedar after Emersyn was born and both were willing to help with anything we needed. Our moms were also both able to be there when Emersyn was born. They love us so much and maybe our girls even more. I am so loving to have two amazing women to spoil Leighton and Emersyn and two women who they can always rely on and look up to as Kaden and I have.

06- my sisters. Each of my sisters tends to teach me something different. We don't always get along or understand one another but we do always love eachother. It's funny to think of how different we are all turning out but how alike we are at the same time. I am thankful to be the oldest and to be able to watch the three of them grow up.

07- mine and Kaden's dads. We have learned so many things  from them but especially how to be hard workers and how to get through hard things. Our dads have taught us the value of family by the way they love and take care of theirs. And both of them turn into big teddy bears for our girls and love spending time with them.

08- our home. I can not believe we have owned our own home for 3 1/2 years now. It has been such a huge blessing to live in the same place and not have to worry about landlords. We have made our house really ours and have brought both our daughters home to it. I feel safe here and at peace. It's our own little haven from the world. 

09- amazing friends. I don't have a lot of people that I am close to, but the ones that I am are amazing. I couldn't have better examples to associate with. Through hard times and good we are there for eachother and there isn't anything nicer than to know I have people I can share my life with outside of family.

10- the opportunity I have had to help start a business this year. It has been a crazy start and will definitely continue to be an adventure as we move back east and to the south, but also a huge blessing. 

11- the opportunity I have had to travel so much this year. I have fallen in love with new places and seen a difference in how other people in other cities are. It has helped make me excited to move and made me appreciate Cedar more at the same time. Traveling always teaches me different things and clears my mind of worries. It's made life exciting and I can't wait to try traveling two babies now.

12- Cedar City, we have loved here for 4 years now and i can't believe I've actually grown to like it here. This past year I had time to enjoy its beauty and festivals. I have made great friends and been able to explore the city with Leighton. For a  small place it's offered quite a bit to do that I never realized before. 

13- modern medicine. When i fell a couple weeks ago and was unsure how Emersyn was doing I was able to go to the hospital and hear her heart beat. It was such a beautiful and reassuring sound. 

14- the power of the priesthood and the knowledge I have of the LDS gospel. I have had a few priesthood blessings this year and each one has helped me to know what to do, comforted me and helped me to feel at peace with the Lord's will.

15- the love I've gained for running and hiking. It helps me to relieve so much of my stress and to feel better all around. I know it has helped my pregnancies and labors to be easy and now hopefully my postpartum recovery as well.